Monday, January 8, 2018

It's okay to not be okay...... (a thought)

In about a little over eight months from now I will get to relive the worst day of my life from four years ago. September 1st, 2014, the day my Father passed. September 6th, 1983 is also my birthday. That was one of the most surreal experiences of my adult life thus far. Seeing my dad pass, and then five days later "celebrating" the day of my birth with my family and three kids.
To be honest, at this point I don't even remember what we did. Everything since September 1st has been a huge blur of life, sadness, confusion, job, kids, etc.....tonight I was treating myself to one of my many midnight mindless video binges on facebook.
I am obsessed with scrolling through videos of puppies, kitties, food, comedians, you name it, I watch it. Most of the time its light hearted, only once and a while do I come across ones that really speak to me. 

"It is okay, to not be okay."


I know that sounds like some low budget hallmark card with a kitty and damn heart on it, but the reality of that phrase hit me like a ton of bricks. In this world of social media, and expressing ourselves 24/7 to people who may or may not even truly care about me, I have stopped thinking about the obvious. That if your sad, angry, lost, it's okay. It's okay to feel those feelings, it's okay to say that sometimes life's sucks big donkey balls.

It's. Okay.

Having someone who was not only your father but your best friend pass while trying to make sure the kids are alright about being heartbroken over the death of their grandfather is no easy task.
I have seen over time, that the time I needed to properly grieve kept getting put on the back burner, Honestly, I think I was too afraid to be messy, to yell, to be angry in front of the kids.
I was worried that I would confuse them or make them sad, but I have only found that almost four years later that all of those pent up things I never let out in the first place have manifested into coming out into other ways that I didn't plan.
My kids now get mood swing mommy. and that is never what I intended through all of this.
I kept lying to myself all these years that I was okay, that time heals all wounds, blah blah blah bullshit. But the reality is that I was too scared to simply say that nothing was okay, I am never going to fully be okay, and this IS okay! 

So I sit here now, still having a broken heart after all these years, time does not fully heal, it just tries to patch once and while, until my heart just rubs raw again. But that's okay as well.

If you come away with anything right now I hope that it is this. 

Life is hard, sadness is sometimes essential to get us to the next moment, and that is okay. 

It will get better, but for now, it's okay to just be who you need to be in this moment. 

Let's not hide, let's not think we are an inconvenience to other people, because you are not! 

If we're not okay being a little broken, then we're never going to have the hindsight to help fix others, 

and that is never okay. 



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